Stoneybrookite

the best friends you’ll never have

While cleaning my room, I found a pretend magazine I started writing and never completed sometime around January 2000, when I was thirteen. Why was I creating fake magazines at 13? Because I had no friends. I was a Mallory without the Club. The cover claims that there will be an article inside on “Through the Eyes of a Misfit Queen: Life on the Other Side of the Fence” (obviously autobiographical) and “21st Century Girl: Living in the Now!” and “Quiz: Your Social Stereotype.” I wish I had written these, because they would have been funny to read now, but I only wrote three things: a Letter to the Editors Page, an FAQ (where I explain that the magazine was handwritten because no one has time for Microsoft Publishing), and…

“BSC: An (Almost) Shocking Exposé.”

Here is the text in full.


Ahh. The Baby-Sitters Club. In their passage to adulthood, most, if not all girls, read at least one. Currently, there’s almost 200 altogether.

So there’s got to be a subversive message in there somewhere.

And…

THERE IS!

In Logan Likes Mary Anne! (#10), Logan says that no girl every fooled around with him the way Mary Anne did, they usually try to prove how well they can “dance.” I guess Mary Anne really came out of her shell, hmm?

For a book aimed at elementary school kids, it sure doesn’t promote abstinence. They might as well have titled it Mary Anne Gets Laid.

In the movie Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers refers to Alotta Vagina as “the village bike: everyone’s had a ride.”

The village bikes of the BSC are Stacey and Claudia, hands down. A tag team of skankiness, they just can’t seem to settle down. At least Mary Anne is monogamous.

Dawn, poor, poor Dawn. Although we don’t know what happened in California (you need the California Diaries for that), apart from a pen pal (tee-hee), she never had a good relationship. The only real relationship I can remember is that older man, Travis, who just USED her. Maybe Mary Anne can give her a few pointers on boy pulling. Sisters should stick together in times of crisis, Mean Mary Anne!

Even Mallory and Jessi, the sixth graders, get more action than Dawn. I can’t remember many long-term relationships in sixth grade, but apparently these two are experts. Quint, Curtis, Ben–who can keep track? They’re a tag team of skankiness-in-training.

***DISCLAIMER***
This is in NO WAY to be taken seriously! Also, we have no right to use Ann M. Martin’s characters and stuff.

Next Month: Analyzation [sic] of The Giver. Stirrings, anyone?

KRISTY: INNOCENT TOMBOY?

For someone who didn’t care about makeup or clothes, Kristy sure had a full dance card.

First there’s that old standby, Alan Gray. She poured Yoo-hoo down his shirt once. A bizarre mating ritual, sure, but erotic nonetheless.

Let’s not forget her cruise ship affair, a 70-something named Rudy. THERE ARE GRANDKIDS INVOLVED YOU WHORE!

Her third main lover is Bart. She got grounded for monkeying around with him on a couch with no parental units around, then claimed he was moving too fast for her. Tsk. She called Mary Anne for advice, hah.

Lastly, there was Steve, Kelsey’s BMOC. Kristy was smart enough to turn him down. That boy was STD city.

***

So ends my “articles” for my “magazine.” I don’t know why I was so mean and focused on slut-shaming. That’s the magic of middle school, I suppose.

I would actually start the first incarnation of this site a year or two later. I used to have a version archived here, but the link no longer works for complicated technical reasons that has to do with the fact that I made it so that if you go to stoneybrookite.org/.com/.net, it all goes to this blog. In the coming weeks, I will post my old writings on the BSC on this blog.

Did you ever write stupid things like this as a child/adolescent? Were you as mean as I was?

6 Responses To This Post

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Marie said, March 31st, 2015 at 5:36 am

Your articles are awesome! Very creative :) I love the Kristy analysis, though I don’t remember Steve?

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tintin lachance said, March 31st, 2015 at 12:01 pm

I remember making a spying notebook like Harriet and writing mean things about my sisters in it–before giving up, because a small town doesn’t offer quite the same spying buffet as densely populated Manhattan. I was never quite so mean about the Baby-Sitters Club, though. :)

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Zi said, March 31st, 2015 at 9:07 pm

I feel like everyone wrote stupid things in their teenage years (I know I did), but this “article” was too darn amusing, especially with its suspicious lack of wondering about Kristy’s interest in the same gender. c:

Thanks for sharing that! I’m excited to see what other old writings you may uncover in the future.

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greer said, April 1st, 2015 at 11:10 pm

@Marie Steve is a guy Kristy goes on a date with. They double-date with Claudia and Mark Jaffe. I think it is in Kristy and the Sister War.

@tintin lachance I did that too. I sat in a birch tree and watched my neighbors. I have no idea why I was so mean, because I obviously loved the BSC. I probably wanted to seem “cool,” but there is nothing cool about making a fake magazine for your own amusement, so I don’t know what I was trying to prove anyway.

@Zi The other things I have from the first site are less weird, since I was already a few years older, probably fifteen or sixteen. Thirteen-year-olds are far weirder :) I think Kristy being a lesbian was actually never something I considered on my own, because I was also a “tomboy” and related to her a lot growing up–I have certainly been called bossy in my day. I actually see a stronger case for Abby or Mary Anne than Kristy, which I suppose is a whole different blog post (and one I may have written already; I’ll have to search my archives). I do have an entire shelf of my childhood notebooks here; I will have to look through them and see if I come across anything else about the BSC :)

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mallorypike said, January 6th, 2016 at 10:14 pm

LOL, this stuff is awesome and hilarious!! :) I loved the “article ” about Mary Anne hee hee. Mary Anne Gets Laid. It cracks me up. You had great writing style for a 13 year old!

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greer said, January 8th, 2016 at 11:13 pm

Haha, thanks! I still wish I had written the other articles.

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