Stoneybrookite

the best friends you’ll never have

Browsing in old

While cleaning my room, I found a pretend magazine I started writing and never completed sometime around January 2000, when I was thirteen. Why was I creating fake magazines at 13? Because I had no friends. I was a Mallory without the Club. The cover claims that there will be an article inside on “Through the Eyes of a Misfit Queen: Life on the Other Side of the Fence” (obviously autobiographical) and “21st Century Girl: Living in the Now!” and “Quiz: Your Social Stereotype.” I wish I had written these, because they would have been funny to read now, but I only wrote three things: a Letter to the Editors Page, an FAQ (where I explain that the magazine was handwritten because no one has time for Microsoft Publishing), and…

“BSC: An (Almost) Shocking Exposé.”

Here is the text in full.


Ahh. The Baby-Sitters Club. In their passage to adulthood, most, if not all girls, read at least one. Currently, there’s almost 200 altogether.

So there’s got to be a subversive message in there somewhere.

And…

THERE IS!

In Logan Likes Mary Anne! (#10), Logan says that no girl every fooled around with him the way Mary Anne did, they usually try to prove how well they can “dance.” I guess Mary Anne really came out of her shell, hmm?

For a book aimed at elementary school kids, it sure doesn’t promote abstinence. They might as well have titled it Mary Anne Gets Laid.

In the movie Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers refers to Alotta Vagina as “the village bike: everyone’s had a ride.”

The village bikes of the BSC are Stacey and Claudia, hands down. A tag team of skankiness, they just can’t seem to settle down. At least Mary Anne is monogamous.

Dawn, poor, poor Dawn. Although we don’t know what happened in California (you need the California Diaries for that), apart from a pen pal (tee-hee), she never had a good relationship. The only real relationship I can remember is that older man, Travis, who just USED her. Maybe Mary Anne can give her a few pointers on boy pulling. Sisters should stick together in times of crisis, Mean Mary Anne!

Even Mallory and Jessi, the sixth graders, get more action than Dawn. I can’t remember many long-term relationships in sixth grade, but apparently these two are experts. Quint, Curtis, Ben–who can keep track? They’re a tag team of skankiness-in-training.

***DISCLAIMER***
This is in NO WAY to be taken seriously! Also, we have no right to use Ann M. Martin’s characters and stuff.

Next Month: Analyzation [sic] of The Giver. Stirrings, anyone?

KRISTY: INNOCENT TOMBOY?

For someone who didn’t care about makeup or clothes, Kristy sure had a full dance card.

First there’s that old standby, Alan Gray. She poured Yoo-hoo down his shirt once. A bizarre mating ritual, sure, but erotic nonetheless.

Let’s not forget her cruise ship affair, a 70-something named Rudy. THERE ARE GRANDKIDS INVOLVED YOU WHORE!

Her third main lover is Bart. She got grounded for monkeying around with him on a couch with no parental units around, then claimed he was moving too fast for her. Tsk. She called Mary Anne for advice, hah.

Lastly, there was Steve, Kelsey’s BMOC. Kristy was smart enough to turn him down. That boy was STD city.

***

So ends my “articles” for my “magazine.” I don’t know why I was so mean and focused on slut-shaming. That’s the magic of middle school, I suppose.

I would actually start the first incarnation of this site a year or two later. I used to have a version archived here, but the link no longer works for complicated technical reasons that has to do with the fact that I made it so that if you go to stoneybrookite.org/.com/.net, it all goes to this blog. In the coming weeks, I will post my old writings on the BSC on this blog.

Did you ever write stupid things like this as a child/adolescent? Were you as mean as I was?